Tuesday. The first day of the work week for me as I have off Monday’s to take care of my school assignments and have some time to myself while my son is in school. I wake up at 6:00am and I am to work by 6:40am. Today started off fine, I clocked in, looked at what needed to be done for the day, and started in. Then 9:00am came and so did a lovely panic attack. I’m not talking about the moments in time where I tense up, get wheezy in the stomach and sweaty palms. I’m talking about the moments of sudden fear, body trembling, and feeling like I’m going to pass out. It sucks. It sucks big time! And it came out of no where. I ran, literally, into the break room and grabbed a cup full of water and sat down. I remembered what my therapist had taught me about deep breathing and the relaxation techniques that followed. I sat at the table still shaking and stayed there until I could feel my body start to relax. That is the creepiest feeling in the world. Every panic attack has a climax and once it’s hit your body will then automatically kick itself out of it and you just have a sense of relaxation and warmth. I guess that’s the only good thing about having a panic attack; they won’t last forever. Your body won’t allow it.
I haven’t had a full blown panic attack in over a year but for some reason this month my anxiety has been out of control. What’s to blame? Maybe my stress levels involving school, work, mom duties, and trying to juggle what life throws at me? I can probably blame my poor diet this past month as well. My sugar intake has been terrible as well as the amount of greasy foods, which really excited my face enough that it decided to break out.
One thing about having panic attacks is that you feel like a complete idiot. It’s something that you can’t explain to a person who has never gone through it. For minutes your mind just feels fuzzy and you have fear over absolute nothing. I feel like some sort of monster. I used to hate this feeling because I was always insecure of how people would view me when they would see me go through them. But you know what… I’ve grown to love myself and accept that this is just who I am. The diagnoses of anxiety is hitting at high rates and with today’s world it’s easy to see why. Our lives are hectic. It’s a constant on the go 24/7, always trying to be the best, achieve the most, and live up to the standards of those around you. That’s not me, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being me. A person with anxiety.
I’m Meaghan. A 25 year old single mother, college student, daughter, sister, and person living with a mental Illness, and I love myself for it.
Let’s erase the stigma.